Pens aside, I've been talking with a lot of people lately about what it means to be a grown-up. Not surprisingly, I've gotten a lot of different answers. Some say you're a grown-up when you're legally responsible for yourself at 18, others when you're out of college, or married, or buying a first house, or are responsible for another human being in some way, or have gone through some cultural rite of passage. When you're in your twenties. When you're in your thirties. When people call you "sir." When you have more married friends than single friends. When you can't believe how young everyone else suddenly seems to be. The definitions seem to be endless.
One of the best responses I've gotten has been, "You know when you can ask that question of yourself, and are genuinely concerned about your response."
It may be because both of my parents are in the mental health field, but I've come to believe that the mark of adulthood is a certain level of personal responsibility and self control. (How's that for vague and high-minded?) An adult is in control of themselves by choice. They recognize and balance their own desires with those of their family, friends, and society.
And yet, by that definition, how many adults do I know? Virtually none. I know so few people who don't lose their temper publicly, make irrational decisions based on their temporary emotional state, or act out of selfishness or emotion, that I can count them in my head quickly. Politicians cheat, celebrities party like teenagers discovering alcohol for the first time, and everyone lies to others or themselves. I don't even qualify for adulthood myself by that generalized definition. On the other hand, I know plenty of people over the age of 18, out of college, married, or in important positions who occasionally, some more than others, behave like they're under 18, schoolchildren, single, and face no consequences.
Consequences, by the way, factored largely into the responses I've been hearing as well. Some say an adult has to face consequences. Others say an adult is able to face consequences. Yet others claim an adult is someone who foresees consequences and adjusts their own behavior accordingly. All variations on the theme.
I am in my late twenties. I am married. I am (tying to) buy a home. I have a job where I lead a team of people with little oversight. I pay bills. I analyze consequences before acting. Well, most of the time anyway. Do I get it? Am I a grown-up now?
Are you?
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Was doing great until this morning where an over-whelming urge to stake my FL supervisor with a sharpened copy of ApJ has quite overcome me. I don't even think he's a vampire. On the other hand, I replied quite politely to his email. Half marks perhaps? Depending on whether said staking takes place on my trip to FL next month...
I love the image of a sharpened copy of ApJ!
I would say that an adult is someone who displays those qualities and actions most of the time. A saint is someone who can do it every time. I think I know a lot of adults; I know zero saints.
I decided I was finally an adult when I realized I was *looking forward to* paying my own bills every month. The shift of responsibility from {{everywhere else}} to myself was when i fully crossed the threshold.
On the other hand, I refused to believe I was *grown up* until I was 30. :)
Ultimately, and like everything else, I think being grown up is a subjective concept. No matter where you go or who you meet, you'll either consider yourself grown up or you won't. And you can't judge whether you're right or wrong objectively because we're subjective by nature. Not only that, but other people will only be grown up in our eyes if they meet our personal standards.
Non-grown-ups will sometimes call themselves grown but fail to meet the standards they hold for other adults. I suppose, then, that being grown up means you have developed and continue, day after day, to try to meet your own standards for being grown up; standards to which you hold all other grown-ups.
Wordiness aside, I'd say we're grown-ups when we look at each moment and can actually decide when *not* to be grown-ups.
For instance:
I'm a teacher and currently serving as NP of a national service organization. I am a grown up. But not while I'm doing this dance. -does a silly dance as a perfect example-
This is a question that I often struggle with. Particularly living in New York—a place that I feel in many ways stunts one’s growth. The markers of owning a home, and a car, and even getting married are more difficult and happen later here. It’s easy to feel stuck in a state of perpetual adolescence, even when one is successful and self-sufficient.
I think the problem lies in our expectations. When we’re children, growing up has this excitement and promise attached to it. The question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” is asked and answered with eagerness (and sometimes fear when we don’t know). We think that adults have all the answers and that they have their lives figured out.
Once we become adults we realize that this couldn’t be further from the truth. And it makes us feel like we aren’t truly “grown-up” even though we meet the age requirement.
Maybe the problem is that we need to look at what constitutes adulthood through a new frame of mind. To be responsible and recognize that there are consequences to our actions, yes, but to recognize that there are also consequences to merely reconstructing the “grown-up” life we think that we’re supposed to have.
We will never have all the answers nor get our lives completely sorted out, but if we let go of some of that anxiety, maybe we can find ways to realize more of the promise and excitement from childhood.
Or maybe I just need to grow up!
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