Monday, July 25, 2005

A letter

Dear oppressive heat and humidity,

Please go away.

Thank you,
Andrew

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Anatomy of a Night Out

2000 hours: Watch the Yankees and the Mets losing. Begin strategy session to determine what to do for the night.

2100: Two girls and one guy show up at apartment with bottle of wine. Calls are made to invite others.

2200: Several more people show up.

2230: Apartment reaches capacity, everyone moves to nearby bar.

2400: More people show up at bar. Friend who has been chatting up a girl all evening is invited by said girl to a bar in the Village. He is requested to bring at least two other guy friends.

2410: Cab ride to the Village.

2450: Arrive at Asylum on Bleeker St.

0130: Go next door to see live band.

0135: Live band sucks, return to Asylum. Dancing ensues.

0230: Meet man outside of Asylum with 125lb python. Pictures taken with python around necks.

0400: Asylum closes.

0405: Seeing a limousine in the street, pretty girl in our group goes to convince the driver to take us home. He agrees.

0406: Limo ride through Manhattan.

0500: As dawn breaks, breakfast at Tom's Diner.

0600: Stumble home, fall into bed (yes, alone).

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Excuse me, where is Times Square?

If you've ever lived in a place that has a tourist season, surely you know how annoying they can be. They don't know where they're going, they mess up traffic, they crowd your favorite spots, and oh yeah, they pump money into your local economy.

Back in the UP, where gun control means putting your beer down before you aim, the saying is; "If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot 'em?" And who can blame them? All those outsiders invading their paradise.

Here in New York, it's usually a long string of expletives with the word "tourists!!" at the end. And who can blame them? All those outsiders making their already crowded streets nearly impossible to walk down.

Last weekend my mom came to visit, and I got to play tour guide. It was kind of fun to show someone around the city again. Seeing the little bits of New York that made me fall in love with it all over again. There's so much history here, so much culture. It's almost too easy, when you live here, to forget how beautiful it is. How incredible a feat of architecture, art, planning, and surviving went into making this city what it is today.

I am curious about one thing, though. Every time I leave my neighborhood, some tourist asks me for directions. Whether it's Central Park, the Village, or anywhere else, I am always, without fail, stopped to give someone directions. Not only that, but now that it's summer, I'm that guy who takes pictures of all the cute couples. Maybe I should rub the "I live here, but I won't kill you" sign off my forehead. Or maybe I should pull out that "Polite New Yorker" pin I was given and wear it with pride.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Modern-Day Etiquette - Part II: The Umbrella

Umbrellas have been around for more than four thousand years. Art and artifacts from ancient Egypt, Assyria, Greece, and China have all shown umbrellas in common use. Originally used as simple parasols to keep away the Sun, the Chinese were the first to wax and lacquer their paper parasols for use against rain. They were popularized in Europe around the 16th century, and came to be known as umbrellas, from the Latin root word 'umbra,' meaning shade or shadow. At that time, umbrellas were strictly an accessory only for women. Around 1750 (or so), the famous traveler and writer Jonas Hanway began using an umbrella publicly in England and around Europe. This popularized umbrella use for men, who still nonetheless referred to them not as umbrellas, but as "Hanways." Clearly, with a rich, four thousand year history, umbrellas are one of the most commonplace objects all across the world.

So why is there absolute umbrella chaos every time it rains?

Ladies and gentlemen, umbrellas and Hanways, I give you:

Modern-Day Etiquette - Part II: The Umbrella

There are several easy things to remember that will avoid collisions, eye injuries, and getting wet, when using an umbrella while walking down the street.

1) You are now wider. With the umbrella open, you take up more space, and this needs to be taken into account as you walk by buildings, signs, and most importantly, other people. Be aware of how large your umbrella is, and thus how much you must account for its size in your movements.

2) When passing close to someone, there are two factors that go into account for who ought to raise their umbrella to let the other pass. If one person is noticeably taller, that person ought to raise their umbrella as they pass to avoid a collision. (The shorter person, however, must be extremely careful to make sure his or her umbrella does not impale the taller person as they pass. Be especially mindful of that person's face and eyes.) If there is no considerable height difference, the larger of the two umbrellas should be lifted above to allow the smaller to pass underneath.

3) On crowded sidewalks, larger umbrellas should always be lifted above smaller umbrellas. Further, just as one drives only on side of a two-way street, foot traffic should be confined to one side of the walkway. Fighting against a current of people is difficult enough without the burden of an umbrella!

4) Finally, entering or exiting buildings. It is absolutely reasonable to not wish to get wet just before entering, or just after exiting, a building. However, congestion at the entranceway is the primary cause of most umbrella-related accidents. Be mindful of those around you. Do not block the doors. If necessary, it is better to get a little bit rained on than it is to hit someone accidentally with your umbrella.

No one wants to get wet when it is raining. No one wants to lost an eye to some stranger's ill-controlled umbrella. Simply be mindful of each other, and your day, though rainy, will be the better for it.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

A Real New York Treasure

Madeleine. Perhaps you've heard of her? For the last four years, Madeleine has been making crepes in the little hut near the Columbus Circle entrance to Central Park. Most people know her as 'The Crepe Lady,' and some would even go so far as to call her 'The Famous Crepe Lady.' Yet Madeleine does more than just make crepes for park wanderers. She talks to people, exchanges stories, and yes, even exchanges recipes. She's known throughout the city for her wonderful conversation, and of course, her incredible deserts.

With the weather cooling off to a decent temperature, I went off in search of Madeleine to Central Park yesterday. When I got to her little green crepe-shack, though, I was startled to find just another soda and candy vendor. Tragedy! Where is Madeleine? I asked the lady selling these pre-packaged sweets. Where is her wonderful crepe grill? The gave me a flier. She's moved.

Once I found her, in her new trendy cyber cafe location, I was a little put off by the place. But Madeleine is still the same. She made some delicious crepes, and sat down to chat all about the move from Central Park to this new cafe. She even brought a slice of lemon meringue pie, on the house. A hopeful quest for a crepe resulted in an hour and a half of fantastic food, wonderful conversation, and that warm-hearted good feeling you get when everything just works out.

It's almost like being in a small town again.

If you're in New York, or ever come to the city, go to the Cyber Cafe on 49th Street between Broadway and 8th Ave. Ask for Madeleine. Bring an empty stomach. Leave yourself plenty of time.