FOAD

Back at Michigan Tech there is a tradition of posting FOAD letters proudly on your door for all to see. For the uninitiated, FOAD letters, or Fuck-Off-And-Die letters, are those wonderfully vague and somewhat vapid little wastes of paper that companies send to applicants to inform them that the company has no interest in giving the applicant an interview. There are various reasons for this, most of them lies. Of course in this day and age, why waste the paper? A simple email will suffice, it costs nothing to send and all you have to do is copy and paste the poor applicant's name to send the same letter to everyone you want to FOAD. An even more cowardly trend these days is not to reply at all.

In my years at Tech, I've seen several of these letters up on friends' doors. Some of them were on quality paper with embossed letterheads, and some were nothing more than post-cards (hang your head in shame, Toyota). Now that I'm looking at jobs in the real world, I'm beginning to understand the subtlety that is the FOAD letter. Since no one will see them on my door, I will post them here, for your enjoyment.

Company names have been omitted, and people's names changed, to protect the guilty.

#1

Thank you for taking the time to apply to [company name]. Unfortunately, we will not be able to extend you an invitation for a first round interview. Please be assured that this is not a reflection on your fine achievements, rather, that we can interview only a very small percentage of the large number of highly qualified candidates that apply. There is a team of [company name] consultants and recruiting staff that review all incoming applications. I can not tell you specifically why your application was not selected, however, I can share with you a few of the things that we look for in screening candidate applications: leadership, commitment, academic excellence, analytics, and knowledge of [company name]. I hope this is helpful.

Best of luck with your employment search,
N-----

|| Well, N-----, I appreciate your taking the time to send me a stock letter in which you didn't even bother to write my name. Unfortunately, all of the things you look for were specifically addressed in my resume and cover letter. So no, not helpful in the slightest.

#2

Dear Andrew,

Thank you for your interest in -----. Although it is clear that someone with your qualifications has much to offer, we have
been unable to identify a good match between your particular background and experience and our immediate requirements. However, we will keep your resume in our files on the chance that a suitable position should become available at a later date.

We appreciate your taking the time to contact us and wish you the best in your job search.

Sincerely,

Strategic Growth
[company name]

|| Well said, anonymous person from the Strategic Growth department. Your letter has just enough flattery that I still feel warm and fuzzy inside, and I have absolute confidence that you'll call me the very second a suitable position becomes available. And hey, thanks for actually looking up my name.

#3

We appreciate the time you spent interviewing with us and thank you for the interest you expressed in [company name].

We have now had an opportunity to review all of the candidate's credentials. Although your educational background and skills were impressive, we believe we must consider other candidates whose experience will more closely match the needs of the organization.

We regret that at the present time we do not have another position available to utilize your skills and training. We shall keep your resume on file should this situation change in the near future.

Thank you for your interest in our organization and best wishes for continued success in your career endeavors.

Very truly yours,

L---- B----
NY Recruiting Coordinator
[company name]

|| L----, the reason I contacted you was to get an interview, so while I appreciate your appreciation of my time interviewing, there was no interview. Does that mean there really is no appreciation? That makes me sad. However, now you're in a race with anonymous from above to get in touch with me when another position opens. The ball's in your court, L----. By the way, unless I was the only candidate, you misplaced the apostrophe in the second paragraph.